The Mean Reds

“You know the days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat, and maybe it’s been raining too long. You’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid, and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?” – Breakfast at Tiffany’s/Truman Capote

I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had the mean reds at some point this year, as well as a hard case of the blues. We are still in the midst of a pandemic, race war, disgusting politics & utter chaos. To top it all off, Taco Bell announced they are deleting half of their menu soon. I mean…. How much more can we possibly take?!

I love the elegance of old movies like these, the way a feeling like this can be illustrated in such a timeless and direct fashion. I admire the intensity of the characters, as if they mean everything they say and do. We lack intention as a society today, most of us wandering aimlessly through the world staring down at our phones & judging everyone else.

We waste the present like it will last forever. We take love & life for granted & we don’t even realize it’s disappearing faster than we can hold onto it. Like rain falling from the sky and we can’t catch more than a few single drops on our tongue, but it’s still a lot of fun to try.

Today is my 36th birthday & I’ve officially reached an age in my life where I am straight outta fucks. I’ve got love and light for you folks, but no more fucks.

What I do have is people who remind me of how amazing I am, & love me harder on my bad days. That’s everything. More importantly, fighting to love myself that hard on the absolute worst days. It’s been a struggle, I’m still struggling. It’s true, I am strong & I have a lot of fight left in me, but I don’t have it to waste on the wrong things or people.

New beginnings take a lot of courage and patience. These are both expensive currencies, but worth saving up for. I feel like every day in 2020 is a new beginning and also a new nightmare, & I’m broke when it comes to courage and patience. Most days, I want to hide under the covers because I’m just waiting for it to all be over.

Hard truth. It’s not gonna be over. We have to get up, and no, it is not a dream. This is real life. The world will never be the same no matter what you’ve gone through this year so far, it’s all different and it’s all a mess. Pain is incomparable. I can’t imagine the challenges some people are facing.

I do know you’re still here, & so am I. Look at us?! 💪🏻That’s badass. So let’s stop moping around waiting for it to get better, and start celebrating where we are now. Let’s drink more champagne even if it’s cheap, & even if we have to drink it alone. Let’s love each other hard on our good days too, not just the bad ones. Let’s keep reaching out, saying what matters, & be intentional in our actions. Let’s keep grinding, goal digging, & refusing to give up on each other.

Also, you know what else? You are enough. I am enough. It is unbelievable how enough you truly are.


Ps: I’m so happy you are here.