Starving

It’s 4am in my Seattle hotel room, overlooking downtown and Elliot Bay. 

The city is actually quite still. Minus 2 pedestrians on opposite blocks and one lonely car making it’s way through the rare absence of traffic. There are no longer flashing blue lights from the oversized plasma TV’s across from me or balconies full of people. Just the same dim and reassuring light in every other space. 

My black boots are slumped over in the corner, sad and silently mocking me. I sigh at the thought of wearing them around the city yesterday and almost falling twice. These used to be my favorite walking boots with just the right amount of heel. I’ve walked hundreds of miles in them, but it seems they are terribly worn out from my last few trips and so am I. Everything eventually falls apart.

You never really know what kind of shape you are in until you get outside of the gym. Walking 4 or 5 blocks up and down hills causes a swift realization that yes, you did actually gain 25 lbs last year. That actually happened. Several tight corners that I remember sliding through the last time I was here, I could now feel my hips touching. “Excuse me, excuse my huge ass please.”

 The good news is that I lost 6 lbs this month so far. The bad news is that yesterday I had 3 steak tacos, BBQ pork chop on a stick, crab Rangoon, divinity cookies, an entire bottle of wine, one beer (not light beer) and a value size bag of munchies, minus the pretzels. I can’t tell you today I’ll do better, because I’ve got plans. Plans to eat. It is a mini-break after all. Go on, judge me. 

I actually did buy some ambrosia apples and cherries as well, I didn’t mention those bc that’s healthy! That’s also about $25 here at the Pike Place market. $25 on fruit?! Yes, because I live in Alaska where every piece of fruit tastes like cardboard soaked in a different flavor of Capri sun. So whenever I get the chance to actually pluck a cherry from it’s overpriced, organically grown stem or pierce the flesh of a crisp, ripe apple with my teeth, I relish that opportunity. It’s the little things in life. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Alaska. It’s where I lost myself 3 years ago, where I found myself too. It’s where my non-biological family lives, where my roots are stable and where I’ll grow old and die. Still complaining about the produce situation all the way to my grave. Yes, Alaska is my home and my sanctuary.

 Except in January when it’s dark and cold ALL of the time. In January, Alaska is the frozen tundra I need to escape from. Seattle is the perfect city for that escape. It’s just a 3 hour plane ride directly into the middle of a magazine, and lots of last minute deals make it cheap. I don’t have to be real here, anyone with a major credit card and bad habits are more than welcome. 

Escape is necessary. I needed to get away from my routine and all of my stuff or I felt like I was going to just lose it. 

Losing it is a familiar term for most adults. Losing it is when you don’t want to get out of bed, but you don’t want to deal with the consequences of not getting out of bed either. You are irritable, quick to snap, over caffeinated and sleep deprived. You can’t remember where anything is. Your entire life has become so busy trying to fix everyone else’s problem that your “self” is flat out starved. You’re starving to do/eat what you actually want to for just a day, starving to see the sunset instead of going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. Starving for sleep, for life, for water. Losing it.

The human body is over 50% water. If you take a glass of water half full and leave it in freezing cold temperatures for just a few hours, it becomes solid ice. If you do the same thing in temperatures too hot with high humidity, it slowly evaporates. 

It’s no wonder we are all starving for the same things when we are made up of the same parts.

Embrace your appetite.

Xoxo 

-Kat

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