Where Your Heart Breaks

To say I’m sentimental would be a massive understatement. I’m a writer, I hoard the details. Especially the small stuff!

Such as the way a sunset breaks so perfectly into the clouds, like a yolk in slow motion escaping it’s shell. I stand there wondering to myself if it hurts to be torn into with so much beauty, and then I also think to myself….”..isn’t it worth it?” My friend and I just stand in awe, arms and hearts wide open, high above the hills. 

In an average day, I photograph about 50 or so moments just like these. It can be something small, like the steam rising from a fresh cup of coffee at 7am, or rain drops clinging to flower petals without waiver. Each drop transparent and perfectly still, as if they are merely an extension of blooming.

I even try to capture the sunlight on my face or legs, but I can never quite capture the warmth or the serenity of that exact moment. I have no intention of appearing vain. I simply crave the opportunity to capture as many of life’s moments as possible. 

I believe that moments shared like these make their memory even more powerful. It’s the same as sharing a story, it means more when someone else understands it. When we say something out loud, it makes it all the more real to us.  This can also be the most difficult thing to actually do, because if no one ever says it out loud, it’s not real. Right?

That’s the illusion of silence,  the empty magic of denial so many of us bury ourselves in day after day.  Regardless, when the day is over and the curtains close, the loudest truths are the ones we never acknowledge because they end up controlling us like puppets on a string.

We photograph things I believe to enhance the experience.  Memories of experiences are such powerful triggers that they can change a life forever, especially the ones we never want to be reminded of, the bad ones don’t need any souvenirs. They leave their own scars, both unforgettable and transforming. 

Terribly inconvenient isn’t it? 

If your mind is that powerful in memory, just imagine the data storage that must exist within your heart. The way we make people feel on a daily basis is constantly being uploaded. Your voice, your smile, attitude and actions can create a life changing moment. 

This year for me has been a great deal about confidence. Learning to love myself for myself, and that includes ALL of the parts.

They say if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders when you lay your head down to sleep. These are the things that matter. I’m not talking about the initial anxiety of ” did we lock the door?” Or ” … busy day tomorrow, let me spend an hour counting the list “, but those moments right before you go to sleep. The thoughts that bring you peace, or the thoughts that weigh you down until you surrender. Both are significant. 

As these thoughts wave upon you, do try to let the beauty of everything, every moment, break into you perfectly. Cry if you need to. Laugh at the same time. Learn to forgive, even if you’ll never forget.  Learn to be honest with yourself, even out loud, especially when it’s an inappropriate truth! 

These are just a few things I’m learning to do more of, and I have to admit it’s not all sunsets and rose petals. Sometimes it’s a storm of daggers without any shield, and that’s ok. We can survive the war within ourselves as long as we aren’t the enemy. As long as we wake up and fight, as long as we don’t back down from life. There’s beauty in all of it. 

Begin again.


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