Defeated

depression

Defeated. Done. Game over. That’s exactly how I have felt lately.

“Why?”

People ask me this so casually, as if there could be only one thing that’s got me down. I imagine in a mind that does not suffer from depression the answer would be something simple that surely could be remedied with a well thought out solution. Perhaps a hot cup of tea, or a nice bath?

There is no one answer. I can’t even sum it up into two or three. It would take chapters and novels to explain myself. Even then, I am not sure I understand the answers well enough to draw them out for you. It is ALL of the things. Depression is a brutal beast that enters your heart and mind as it pleases, and stays just as long as it likes. Depression does not need an invitation, and there is no why required. You have almost no control over its presence and you really are just getting through it day by day.

It is ONE moment. It is ONE day. I repeat this to myself as the days and moments go on. No one likes to talk about it. It’s uncomfortable. Things like this we don’t dare say out loud. We aren’t supposed to walk around in the world completely unfiltered like that. Oh, the audacity! Yet, what a hypocrite I would be if I never told you about the dark days.

I have recently survived another bout of depression. No, it won’t be my last. Yes, I’m going to be ok. It wasn’t easy. You may not have even noticed. Yet, there were days my face felt like it would burst into tears at any moment and I definitely smiled at you and said “I’m ok”. There were days that I couldn’t help it and burst into tears anyway. There were days I was so tired I couldn’t move and I said I just felt lazy. I let myself get lost in music and writing to try and heal. That does help. THIS helps. There was no one reason, no one thing, no why. There is nothing you could do or say to change it.

If you have someone in your life who suffers from depression, try to offer distraction instead of demanding answers or trying to fix them. We aren’t broken. We are fighting a war with our mind that we hope you never know anything about, and we have been fighting it for most of our life.

Today I am not depressed. Today I feel victorious! I feel amazing and alive. I feel so hopeful and thankful for better days. I feel proud of myself for getting through it when I know all too well so many people who haven’t, and that’s the only reason I wanted to tell you about it. Because you might have one of those dark bouts of depression and not have a why. You might feel so tired you are defeated, done, game over. I am here to tell you, you got this! You are going to get through it. One moment, One day. You are stronger than you feel and you are doing better than you think.

My name is Kat. I have an actual anxiety disorder sometimes accompanied or traded out with depression. I say things out loud that people don’t say, because they are the truth. If we live in a world where we can’t say anything we actually feel, what chance do we have to continue and survive the worst days? What chance do we have to make it to those better moments and better days that are so worth it?

Open up a little. I challenge you to comment by saying something out loud you’ve been holding in. Say something you really mean. Say it proud. We’re all more alike than we realize.

Hey…I am so happy you are here. Please keep swimming. ❤

P.S. More positive, sunny posts to follow.

xoxo

kat beluga

 

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