Do you ever just wake up and realize, fuck… there is SO much about my life that I have still not dealt with?
Today is one of those days for me. I’m trying to change a lot of things all at once, and this baggage I carry is SO heavy. Most people who see me out in the world are constantly telling me I just seem like I have it all together, even though I’ve made it through some really painful things. I cringe a bit when someone compliments me this way, it’s probably all the broken parts moving around that makes me uncomfortable with this observation of how things must look on the outside. Well, I did make it through, but I am NOT all together. I don’t know anyone who really is.
Exhibit A: My father passed away this year and I couldn’t feel a thing. I couldn’t force a single tear, I just felt numb. That’s pretty scary to admit. For some reason, he has been on my mind a lot this week. For those of you who don’t know, I did not have a relationship with my father past age 7 or 8. The relationship I did have was not a Hallmark Special. It’s a terribly difficult thing to grieve the loss of someone you don’t feel like you really knew. Even though biologically, you exist because of them. In addition, I look exactly like him, right down to the freckles. Which means I have had to try really hard to pretend I am nothing like him at all. I have failed many times.
Feeling unwanted for over half of my life played a big role in my decisions surrounding lust and love. I married the first person who asked, even though I knew him for about 2 weeks. Who saw that coming? It’s not really news that our relationships with our parents are often the root cause of entering impulsive or negative relationships as adults. Yet, it still took me years of therapy to understand why I stayed in that marriage for so long and why I fought so hard for someone who didn’t see the point, because I was used to fighting for everything in my life. This was normal for me. Of course we didn’t love each other, what the hell does that have to do with anything? #Baggageclaim1
Failing at my marriage and feeling like I failed myself is also something I am still dealing with, yes, even though it’s been over 6 years since my divorce. Even though I am IN LOVE with a wonderful man now and we have a very positive and honest relationship. I still have fear of abandonment issues, and of course the best way to never feel abandoned is to never truly allow yourself to need someone else. As you can see, I’m a real treat to date. Shout out to the man who has put up with me with for almost 4 years. He deserves a badge or a medal or at least one of those trophy style drinking cups. He makes it look so easy. Feeling unworthy of love. #Baggageclaim2
I’ve lost and gained weight more times than I can count, that didn’t fix the things they told me it would. I’ve set crazy high standards for myself and achieved them all. I traveled, I ran a marathon, I drank all of the protein shakes. I put myself through college and built a new life from nothing. And still, here we are dragging around the same baggage of emotions I’ve had since I was a little girl. Really? You guys, I am so exhausted. Some of this stuff has just got to go.
Where do we start?
I guess with today. Allowing the tears to flow, allowing the heart to break. Allowing self-love and respect, not accepting less from others even if it makes you feel guilty. Making mistakes, risking it all, and allowing yourself to be human.
If you are feeling like things are heavy and you have already done so much work, I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. If you are reading this, you’re doing better than you think.