Happy NEW Year!!! Today is my FAVORITE holiday! We all get a fresh canvas, 365 new opportunities! That’s 365 days to grow, change, make mistakes, fall down, get up, rise above, move forward and run towards the life you want like your legs are on fire!!
Ok, I’ll calm down a bit because today is really a 24 hour grace period as most of us will spend it nursing the dreadful hangover in our heads and bellies. Sorry guys, I’ll lower my positive voice.
Mostly, my feet hurt.
My gorgeous friend and I did a 5k Resolution run to start off our new year. Yes, in December. Yes, in Alaska, in the dark! The trails were puddles and ice, but it was a warm 40ish degrees and the path was all kinds of LIT with lanterns, glowy things and music.
Afterwards we danced our asses off in horrible and sexy shoes until about 2am. So yeah, my feet hurt. I’m so happy about that. I’m so happy it’s just my feet that hurt today. I’m happy my heart hurts a little less, and my mind feels a little clearer. Well, minus the tequila.
For those of you who may not know, 2019 was a year of loss for me. Among other family members, my biological father died, and I never dealt with all of the emotions I had about him until he was gone. I had to let go of the years of baggage I had been carrying for over 3 decades. You guys, that was a HELL of a lot to unpack. I know I still have more than a few items in storage over here, but with the love of my amazing sisters, family and friends I did get through it.
In addition, I had to end my almost 4 year relationship with the love of my life and the person I have grown to call my best friend. Because sometimes the things that are the hardest to say need to be said the most. Those things that you feel in the pit of your stomach or just behind the curve of your bones, the scary things that no one wants to say out loud. You say it anyway, and you go and fuck your whole world up. You ask the tough questions that you don’t want to know the answers to because it’s so uncomfortable. But you asked anyway, and you do get your answers, with or without rhyme/reason.
I firmly believe that people show you how they feel about you. And if you are paying close enough attention, that can be excruciatingly painful to watch from the front row. So while this break up is not my first rodeo, this one has many L A Y E R S…
I’ve thought a lot about why that is as I’ve definitely had my heart broken once or I dunno 4 something times before. Why does THIS time hurt so much? Well, for starters, no one cheated or did anything to intentionally hurt the other person. Anger is an almost necessary fuel for the break up process, but I didn’t really feel like I had anything to be angry about.
I also think it’s because I allowed myself to want it. I allowed myself to fall completely in love for the first time in a very long time. And while I do not regret that at all, it’s going to take a lot more work for me to pick up those pieces. No, it is not fair, I am not okay and it’s not how I wanted any of it to go. It’s not what I deserve, and it’s not so easy for me to just walk away.
But you know what? I’ve had a few very special people remind me of something this week. That I am strong, even if I don’t always want to be. That I do deserve better, even if I don’t feel like I deserve anything right now.
In all the days, hours and nights of my life, each time I have gone to bed thinking I was lost and broken, I have just had to turn the page… and holy shit, there I still am!
I hope today is a good day for you to turn the page that you need to. Don’t drag the weight of 2019 into the new year. Let it go. Allow yourself to fall in and out of things, allow yourself to dream. You DO deserve better, the very moment you think you might.