For what it’s worth…

Quote by William Leal by LovelyDayFleur on Etsy:

When is the last time you remember feeling inspired? It is rare and far between for me these days. I’ve been drowning in bad politics, media cocktails, numb interactions, work, routine, petty first world problems. I’ve also been consumed with love, friendships, happiness, memories, the fast pace of it all so fucking familiar… so messy. I haven’t really taken any time to just absorb it. To just sit and breathe it all in. We’re so damn busy trying to catch up that we forget to sit down, shut up and just be still in this life we have created. For some of us, that seems impossible. For others, that is completely uncomfortable because it’s not the life we imagined.

It seems there should always be more. Why am I not where I thought I would be? Why am I not better? How can I be more, do more, live more? Expectations can lead us blindly into the land of never enough. There is no value to anything there because there is no gravity of the present. Even if you sold your very soul in a place like that, you’d get only a fraction of its worth. The sooner you let go of what could have, might have… the less you’ve got to lose. That’s not to say you shouldn’t keep reaching for your goals or working towards your dream, but wake up every once in a while and cherish how far you’ve already come. Respect the years traveled. Time is your most valuable currency.

None of us are living the same story, but the struggle I sense is the same. Maybe we fall in love with life and we start to lose sight of the things that kept us so busy before. The bucket list. The goals. The job. So, we beat ourselves up over it and get back to being focused, responsible, boring adults. Yet, isn’t falling in love with life exactly what we are all after in the first place? Isn’t that the very sparkle in the hopeless romantics eye? The universal language of hope, the endless search and reason. We actively seek it out. We listen to all of the songs, watch the movies and read all of the books. We dream of a world so promising that the poetry and lyrics remain damp on our lips as we sleep. Still, we can’t be bothered with the meticulous beating of our own hearts.

When you wake tomorrow, think of what a beautiful thing it is to be alive. Take a moment not to dread that it is Monday, because you are that much closer to another exciting Friday. Each day is so full of potential. Recognize it. Taste your coffee. Inhale and exhale consciously. Daydream. Wonder. Challenge yourself just because you can, with no end reward or list to check it off from. Maybe your challenge is a day without challenges. Maybe you just show up, do your best and the challenge is allowing that alone to be enough.

All I’m saying is, allow yourself a bit of grace when you have earned it.

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

All Lives DO Matter


I’m not sure what to think about all of the news lately from the shooting in Dallas to all of the other many shootings we’ve seen against police and our black brothers and sisters. I’m deeply bothered by all of it, so of course I’ve got to say something.
Before you interpret what I’m about to say in your own way, you should know that I have known and do know several people who are victims of police brutality, racism and prejudice. Yes, some of those people are black. Some of those people are white. Some are Hispanic. None of these people or their families deserved what happened to them.
Here is what I know to be true about current events: 
All of this killing is unjust and unnecessary. 

All of the shootings against blacks have NOT been by ONLY police officers. It’s way bigger than that! It’s bigger than traffic stops and you tube.

Not all whites are racist. 

Not all police officers are white. 

Not all protestors are violent. 

Black lives DO matter.

Police officers lives matter.

Asian, Muslim, white, Indian, mixed, Japanese, Arabian, Samoan, tan, albino, red, gay, straight, Bi-sexual, transgendered, and human lives all matter! That shouldn’t be a debate if you respect human life. 
But… I’m not supposed to say “all lives matter”. Because that is now labeled offensive until further notice, or until something bigger happens and we get distracted by Starbucks cups, Justin Bieber or whatever we are told to hate in the next media brewed cocktail. 
Fact: Hate breeds hate. Ignorance breeds ignorance. Neither of these things will get you the results you want.
This is not a time to pick sides and make videos go viral. This is not changing anything. When we combine fear with ignorance, this is what our world looks like. Chaos. 
Think for YOURSELF. Educate yourself. Take a look at yourself and be the change in the world YOU want to see. God does NOT have Facebook and something isn’t going to change because you lay in bed at night clicking a share button.

Xoxo

Everything You Need

You know how we are always on this mission as a society to find out who we really are and who we are supposed to be? Some of us are obsessed with it. We read all the articles, scan all the blogs, complete all 24 days of the 30 day challenges. We fail. We set ourselves up to fail by trying to follow some unrealistic goal to become this perfect robot of an individual. Yet, in trying to be perfect, we actually set ourselves WAY back. Maybe we try to sleep even though we aren’t tired because the perfect person gets 7-8 consecutive hours of sleep each night. We don’t eat when we are hungry because we’ve already reached our daily calorie goal, or we don’t eat at all because we are frustrated and then eat everything in sight! It doesn’t just apply to how we treat our bodies today but also to relationships. ESPECIALLY to relationships! The drama, the forced interactions, the people you don’t even like who you for some reason feel obligated to make unnecessary conversation with. When in reality, they probably don’t want to have the conversation either.

When we were all kids, we probably ate when we were hungry. We napped when we were tired. If someone was impolite or we just simply didn’t like them, we did not have to put up with that person unless they were an adult. When we were little, if it didn’t make us happy or satisfy our needs, we didn’t want it. We had no use for it. Kids are so smart!

As adults, we spend most of our time trying to make others happy instead of ourselves. We spend time on ourselves only trying to fit into the perfect box instead of understanding we don’t belong in any box to begin with. It is an unfortunate pattern I see in myself and in others too often. A pattern of self doubt that infects our quality of life each day. We lay in bed and worry about tomorrow as if it is promised. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Am I enough? Imagine if we used that same energy to make ourselves happy, how that happiness would infect our life with entirely different results!

Turns out… you can learn a lot about yourself by just going for a nice long run…a 13 mile run actually.

kat.halfmarathon

When I first decided to register for this half marathon 6 months ago, I was doing what I always do. I was making  a list of things I have never done and never thought I could do for the year. I like to have goals for the year so I have a road map of where I’m going. The bucket list has been my sense of purpose for quite some time now. I love my list. I have also noticed I am a little co-dependent with the list. Over the last year, I have made the list more flexible. I have removed and added new things. I have allowed myself to edit. I have allowed for things not to get checked off. Honestly, I was really worried this race was going to be one of those things. How could I actually do this?

For those of you who know me or have been following my blog, you might know that when I first started running I could barely run 2 minutes without gasping for air. I still struggle with a steady pace but I enjoy the struggle when it’s over. So I keep doing it.  I trained, I ran my ass off and I am damn proud to have completed this particular race in 2 hours and 38 minutes. That so far is my best. That is not perfect. That is not above average. That is not below average. That is just my best and that is totally enough for me. I now have the satisfaction of checking this off my list and the desire to do it all over again! Crazy, right?!

My first thought when I finished this race was “I didn’t know I could do that”. I didn’t know I could run 13 miles. I didn’t know I could out run the guy behind me. I didn’t know how amazing it would feel to finish it! The feeling of accomplishment among other runners matched with the mutual sense of community and support you feel around each other is the best part of any race. Nothing is forced out there. We are all just trying to do our best. We are all tired at the end. We all wanted to give up at some point but we didn’t. We didn’t give up. For some of us, completing our run every day may just be the one thing we feel like we have control over in our life.

No, I didn’t know I could actually run a half marathon in under my 3 hour goal. I also didn’t know I could graduate college with honors. I didn’t know when I was 16 that I would learn to drive and travel all over the United States. I didn’t know I could survive immeasurable loss and heartache. I didn’t know I could go back one day and stare it in the face. I didn’t know I could grow into what people tell me is an amazing writer. I didn’t know any of it. Sometimes what you don’t know about yourself is everything you need to start the incredible journey of discovery. That’s what life is. It is a journey. There will be set backs. There will be unexpected detours, road blocks and sometimes it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going. When you reach your destination it will most likely be more than you expected. It will be better. You will be better too for having reached it.

I’m so thankful for what I have learned that I didn’t know before. I’m so proud of the life I have built and the things I have gone through that made the path to get me here. No, I didn’t know any of it was possible. I didn’t have a master plan. I still don’t! I am just winging it. List in hand, all sights forward and living out loud. I hope I see you out there.

xoxo

Keep Going. Everything You Need Will Come To You At The Perfect Time:

Kat On a Hot Tin Roof

What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof,  I wish I knew.... just staying on it, I guess, as long as she can.:

 

Fear.

It is the ultimate barrier between you and everything you have ever wanted. It is the top enabler of invisible limitations and my own personal favorite… procrastination! It fuels doubt and insecurity like a well oiled machine. Fear finds its way into your mind and your heart even when you sleep. It is relentless. That son of a bitch!

My first race of the summer is this Friday. Twilight 12k which is in celebration of the upcoming summer solstice. For those of you who may experience normal sunrise and sunset in the summer time, solstice for Alaska means … YAY FOR MIDNIGHT SUNSETS!!

Evening Glow Sunset - Alaska P.s. simple quest for everyone) Why did Bill die?:

A 12k is about 7.5 miles. The race is at 7:00pm in downtown Anchorage. That all sounded doable about a month ago.

That was a bad idea. I am in NO way ready to run 7.5 friggin miles…. I needed to boost my workouts last week and get some good 5 mile runs in at the very least to feel even close to ready! That was my plan to conquer this weeks goal. That WAS my plan!

So, of course, right on cue…(whenever I have an upcoming goal) I took ill. Yep, so sick to my stomach I slept for 2 days and couldn’t eat anything for the first day at all. No significant illness could be detected. I had no fever or anything like that, I just felt like I had been hit by a truck and then it came back for me a few times… just to make sure I knew where my place was. That place was in the dark and buried under covers on the 2 prettiest days we’ve had so far. I missed a week worth of runs. That’s 20 miles or more.

I do recall being fairly anxious the week before, dizzy when running, forgetting to eat the right things..” Oh wow… did I just have bacon and wine for dinner again? Dammit!”

Even though that fits right into my calorie goal if I do it right, that is not exactly a runners diet. Bacon is awesome! Don’t get me wrong here, I’m fairly confident that bacon with wine is the answer to all the problems in the world. However, I do know better. Eggs, tuna, quinoa, kale, lean protein, whole grain bread and fruit. That’s what I’m supposed to stick to, and most days I have! Except for well…  Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday and most Friday nights!

My point is, I am not where I should be for this race. I am not where I wanted to be physically. I didn’t change enough of my habits to get there and in a way I probably made myself sick cutting out the right foods so I could fit in the wrong ones. This did not help me get ready. This did not properly fuel my workouts. My choices were not the best. Getting sick is not the only excuse I have. I have millions of excuses. Good ones too! I won’t list them here. No, I’m not cancelling the run even though if we are being perfectly honest… I want to. I want to throw myself down a flight of stairs instead of climbing set after set to build up my glutes!

Why? Because I am scared. I have never done this before!The most I have ever run in a race is a 5k. Those are simple and over fast, like a good one night stand! In and out, nothing to gain and nothing to lose. These runs are different. These runs require commitment to the distance. A few extra miles have never seemed so long to me. I am scared. I am scared I will fail, I am scared I will be last, and mostly I am scared about what that means for all the other goals I have set for myself. Am I aiming too high? Do I ask too much of myself? Should I set limits? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers.

I do know I am running this race Friday the best that I can. I do know I will likely be slower than most people there. I know the weekend after that I’m running 5 miles for breast cancer fundraising. The week after that it’s 13 miles for the Mayor’s Annual Marathon. 13 miles is only half. The fear continues, but so do I.

That’s the important part I guess. Trust me, when I’m at the gym running in front of other people or on a trail, I do not feel like a gazelle when I am doing it. I feel like an obese cabbage patch doll who just ate nachos. (Damn I love nachos..) I DO want to give up, I DO want to stop. The only problem with that is I want to succeed more. I want to finish more than I want to give up.

So think of me this Friday night when you are out with friends or relaxing at home, think of me as I move at turtle pace mile after mile. My thighs are already killing me from the stairs I climbed today and my ass feels like a brick HOUSE. Even so, I’ll be there. No matter how slow I go, I’ll be faster than the couch.

A little more confidence, a little less fear. Day by day. Race by race. I got this… 

xoxo

46 Quotes From Reddit That Will Change Your Life For the Better: Words can move you, make you happier, and motivate you.

 

 

 

 

The Perfect Stranger

 

I need to write. I know I need to write…

Thing is…the screen looks bigger and brighter than before and the pages seem longer. I switch to paper and I’m always running out of ink, as if the words were too heavy for every pen in the house. When the ink doesn’t run out, my eyes are next… and I can’t help but sleep. I am so tired.

I need to run. I know I need to run…

Three races in the month of June. THREE, for a total of 25 miles, not including training! I know I need to run more, train more and take more stairs; but the pavement seems harder and the air seems thicker.I can’t ever catch my breath. I am so tired.

I need to be a better person, I want to be a better person…

I need to be a better employee, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better girlfriend, a better best friend, a better acquaintance and the perfect stranger. I need to be so many things to so many people, and yet I am so tired.

Someone recently asked me what the point of running 13 miles instead of just 3 is anyway? I tried to explain it’s good to have a fitness goal, it keeps you focused. Well then, he says, “What is the point of traveling the road to Hana just to see a rainbow tree? I mean you are following Pearl Jam around like a teenager and BLANK says you are writing some book? Please tell me what is the point of all these CRAZY things you do instead of settling down, buying a house and you know… finally focusing on your future? ”

I stood there silent and quite offended. I don’t even know him really. Who the hell is this guy anyway?!

What I wanted to say:

“What is the point of having another child when you can barely make time for the one you already have in the other room? What is the point of that light beer you are drinking instead of water? What is the point of you acting like you know anything about where exactly I should be in life when you stand in this room at a party you decided to host avoiding your guests? Or was it your wife who decided you would host this shindig, since she seems to make most decisions for you these days? Nice sweater by the way. You do realize it’s almost June? Also, what is the point of doing the same thing every single day with the hopes that you’ll die before your well rested pension runs out? What is your point, sir? Please tell me. Tell me how you are living your life to the fullest and tell me more about how I’m doing everything ALL wrong!”

What I actually said:

“Well, to each his own I suppose! Enjoy… (large glass of wine raised in hand as I join the crowd..)”

What I should have said:

“The point of running 13 miles instead of 3 is to prove to yourself that you set your own limits and you are capable of accomplishing ANYTHING you set your mind to.”

“The point of traveling the road to Hana to find a simple rainbow tree is that I can, because I don’t have kids, a house, or some boring future to look forward to. I know that has to drive you absolutely crazy, but I live in the present the best I can, and in the present I want to see something beautiful and rare. I want to see something that has withstood decades of devastation and still sustained growth and beauty. Why wouldn’t you want to see that?”

“Oh, and the point of following a band around a few times a year that I have loved most of my life is to make sure I still have roots. It’s important to remember where you came from and what you’ve been through. There is truly no better way to remember that than a soundtrack you’ve been playing your whole life that just keeps getting better and better.”

“So yes, I am a little different. I have unrealistic goals. I do not act my age. I try really hard every day to make the most out of every second even when it exhausts me. It’s true, I am writing a book and you can’t imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give about your opinion on what I do and do not write. Keep asking me why, keep drinking your light beer and doing things your way. You do your happy, I’ll do mine. We’ll both be dead soon. Let that sink in!”

xoxo

6/3 Twilight 12 K

6/11 5 mile Women’s Run for Breast Cancer

6/18 Mayor’s Half Marathon

8/22 “Things We Don’t Say Out Loud” – 1st Novel release date

10/8 – Find the Eucalyptus Rainbow Tree in Maui on the Road to Hana

Gatsby Gatsby - cheers to my haters be patient so much more is coming:

 

 

 

Girls in Convertibles

You know what’s great about convertibles? Having your big sister drive one while you both sing your heart out to TLC, Queen and anything else you can pick up with a shady signal! My big sis is an amazing person! She lets me drag her on most of my adventures without question. We’ve always been that way I think. I’m spoiled!

We recently took a mini girls trip to Miami and Tampa for the sake of oh…. laying on the beach all day, drinking way too much and driving a ridiculously fast car around! Checking another one off the bucket list!

Well, there was also the fact that these guys happened to be on tour…

That would be Pearl Jam, starring the love of my life… Eddie Fucking Vedder. The concerts were amazing! I will say Tampa had more energy than the Miami show but both were epic performances as always. The second one made me cry for a lot of reasons. I used to live in Tampa for quite a while. It was where I had my first apartment, my first relationship, my first real job, my first adult friends,etc. Going back there after so long brought up a lot of emotions I wasn’t prepared to deal with. It’s strange how that happens, don’t you think? I hadn’t thought of what it would be like to be back in one of my many hometowns. I guess I thought all of that had been diluted, or faded out somehow. Well, it hadn’t. Memories are always just where you leave them.

On top of that, Eddie was up there singing John Lennon “Imagine” and one of my all time favorite songs of their own, “Come Back”. Tear Jerkers indeed! After all was said and done, it was a very healing experience. It was nice to gain some closure on this city, as when I left many years ago, I was in a much different place. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to say goodbye to all those memories. The good, the bad, the vague..

People stare at me for a moment too long when I tell them Pearl Jam is my FAVORITE band. Those people are often unbearably boring and love things like…mornings. The confusion is mutual. How can you not love Pearl Jam?! Do you not love air? Do you also dislike rainbows and unicorns?!

Told this guy he would end up in my blog! What’s up Steve!? 🙂

Our time in each city was brief, but we managed to quench our thirst.

My friend and I even faced her fears of the ocean and did a little wave dancing afterwards. Tequila has no fear! Muahahaha!! Love you babe!

Our hotel was THE BUSINESS!!! Thanks to my travel agent Michele Kirsch at Beachwindz travel, we were able to get a great rate at THE place to stay in Miami!! The Clevelander hotel in the heart of South Beach. The location is perfect, there’s a bar on the roof and for all of the night life going on here… the rooms were impressively quiet!

As much fun as that hotel was, the Don Cesar Beach Resort in Tampa was a much more peaceful atmosphere and it was our absolute favorite.

If you ever get the chance to stay here, most definitely try their coconut ale. It’s one of those beers you need to thoroughly taste before you die! I take beer VERY seriously. So do not take that suggestion lightly by any means! Haha.

This is one of many adventures I’ll have this year. I’ll keep it close to my heart always! I hope you are busy planning adventures as well. We haven’t much time for someday you know, chop chop!

 

Hello Gorgeous

kissy face

How ya been?

YIKES! Has it been a month already!? I am terribly sorry… I wish I had a good excuse! Truthfully, I’ve just been having SO much fun it seems I have lost track of time. Let’s get caught up a bit, shall we?!

Bucket List Update

#1 – Prom…. CHECK

As discussed in a previous post, I never attended my high school prom. Ok, I was never actually asked to go either…minor details. I prefer to think I was probably never asked because any guy who knew me well enough back then knew I would have probably said NO out of pure teenage spite and rebellion. “Best years of my life… pffft. I can’t wait to grow up and get out of here…”, said the most naive teenager who ever existed, trapped in a small hick town with caviar dreams and a tuna fish budget. She would later resent that phrase as life taught her that there was an unwelcoming amount of truth to it.

Moving right along…

For a few years now, one of our local radio stations here known as KFAT 92.9 (plug-check) hosts an annual concert with a prom theme. There’s usually an old school artist or band and that sets the theme for the real fun – DRESSING UP! Last year it was Vanilla Ice and I’m so damn sad I missed it after going this year! I can only imagine the brightly colored wind suits and too tight wife beater tanks I will likely never see again… ho hum.

Luckily, Salt-N-Peppa performed this year and it was a great mixture of formal wear and all sorts of flashy apparel right out of the 80’s and 90’s. Fanny packs, leg warmers, ripped baggy jeans, purple suits with bright yellow ties! Then there’s these 2 sexy ladies who just love an excuse to wear a pretty dress!

And of course… the wonderful bathroom selfie every girl takes before prom.

prom selfie

Yep, I am an adult and I have no shame. It was pretty cold out still, being Alaska and all… but that dress was beautiful and I felt like an angel in it! Shout out to the girls who never get rid of anything in their closet and love when something becomes the perfect outfit 5 or 10 years later. High Five! Well done ladies!

The decor was fairly standard but celebratory.

 

And of course the music… Salt-N-Peppa… the real deal!

This was truly an epic experience. It really took my friend and I back to grade school days. I must say, these ladies still have it! The hair, the outfits, the moves… classic! I can’t think of a better way to cross prom off of the list after all this time. It was everything I imagined, and that’s just the parts I can remember!

Besides, how many people can say they went to prom with one of their very best friends and got to dance to Salt-N-Peppa with Spinderella as a DJ? I don’t think these girls did too many proms in their prime time ya know?

Alright, I’m done rubbing it in for now.

I’ve got so many other stories to show you! I promise not to wait another month to post them.

Stay tuned for girls driving convertibles across sunny Florida while following Pearl Jam and other shenanigans…. insert sexy saxophone music here.

xoxo

Dear Bathroom Scale…

scale

Dear bathroom scale,

I am really sick of your shit.

You  manage to make me feel like a complete failure every time I see you! I weigh in each week and then stare back at myself in the mirror and honestly think… “How can I weigh this much, and still look SO hot?”. You keep telling me I’m not good enough. You say..”stay in, don’t eat that. Don’t drink that. Have some water if you feel hungry…” well, you know what? I’ve had about enough of your attitude! I need to focus less on pounds and more on speed. That is the main goal for the marathon in June.

I have tried so desperately to please you. I have carefully tracked every single morsel and beverage that enters my digestive system by the gram.  It is a constant struggle because carbs will always love me more than you do! They hold onto me tight and never want to let go. It’s not their fault. We belong together… no, it’s not me, it is so you.

Hey, I never said I was going to be perfect! In fact, I no longer want this never ending illusion of perfect you so questionably offer. Therefore, I no longer need you! Tomorrow, you meet the first day of the rest of your life in the bottom of the dumpster. It should be a fantastic fit for you. You guys can talk “trash” about everything around you together. You and your transparent foundation of complete bullshit. I see you scale… I see right through you, in more ways than one.

Without apologies,

The tired feet above you.

xoxo

 

 

 

 

Bucket List Update

I am so completely, head over heels, truly, inevitably in LOVE…

things i love:

With my current bucket list line up… and my life! haha.

 

#1

I AM FINALLY GOING TO PROM!!! 4/2/2016

My date is tall and oh-so-gorgeous! The band is Salt-N-Peppa! All I need now is the perfect retro (cheap) dress! This will seriously be my first prom folks. No, I’m not kidding.  In high school I was less than popular.

We could leave it at that…or, I could tell you I was a total nerd with pink hair who may or may not have in fact been at prom…. and who may or may not have had something to do with fireworks in the gymnasium…

Ahem, anyway! Moving right along! 

#2

4/8/16-4/14/16 – Take a beach road trip somewhere in a stylish convertible.

Vogue January 1961

Isn’t this a dream we all have? If not, what the hell is wrong with you? Sunshine, wind in your hair, car dancing, produce stands along the way. Besides, I just love fast cars and excuses to kidnap my girlfriends! I also love Pearl Jam and I’ll be catching 2 concerts with 2 of my favorite people. 4/9 ( Pearl Jam – Miami ) 4/11 (Pearl Jam -Tampa).

Are you ready for Pearl Jam's 2015 Latin American Tour? Tickets for Chile, Mexico City, and Colombia are on sale now! Find the full list of tour dates at PearlJam.com #PJLatinAmerica2015 #PearlJam:

No big deal! Let me just put my heart back inside of my chest…

#3

6/18/16 – Mayor’s Half Marathon

I always like to have a good fitness goal for the year so I have decided that I will be running 13 miles on 6/18. I have also accepted the fact that doing so might kill me. Currently, I run about 5 miles before I am unable to comprehend the art of breathing and my legs feel like jello. A standard 5 k was my goal last year, so this is quite a stretch!

Luckily, I still have plenty of time to train and I’m planning to do a few good races in between for solid practice. I’m struggling mostly with diet. Of course, that is not because I don’t know what to eat but because I just really LOVE food okay? Shut up scale. I’m working on balance instead of perfection. Balance is easier because it actually exists.

#4

8/22/16 – First novel to be released. That’s right! This is finally happening. If you know me or have dated me, you are probably in it. Title TBD.

The fall and remainder of the year is still pretty open. I’ve got a few things in the works. I’m not quite sure how it will all play out just yet, but I am confident it will be just as wonderful as the rest of the year.

What dreams of yours are coming true? Remember, don’t let them starve.

xoxo

Kat

 

 

Letting go

*The hardest thing is watching somebody you love forget they love you...* #alzheimers #dementia #caregiver:

We are raised knowing our parents will get older. We spend our teenage years rebelling against them and our early 20’s tolerating their need to still treat us like children. Sighing and rolling our eyes as they continue to remind us that the way we do absolutely everything is not the way they would do it.  Not even close.

The years go by and they complain we never call anymore and still remind us of the simplest things like… “wear a coat”. We listen, we sigh.We grudgingly wear the damn coat, even though we are sweating when it’s 75 degrees an hour later. All the while , we are fully aware that they will not always be around. That one day we are going to wish they were there to get on our nerves. Even though they weren’t perfect. Even though we aren’t always sure why. The day will come when we will want to give just about anything to help them get back into their email account… (for the 100th freaking time), or just to ask them what that one ingredient for a recipe was called that we can’t ever remember.

Luckily, if our parents have a sense of humor, they might try to help us prepare for this part of life by cracking jokes about their will or insisting they don’t need one. They will out live us after all… because they don’t forget their coat. They eat their vegetables. They wear sunscreen and go to bed early.

We kind of hope it’s true. This beautiful illusion we have that life will last forever simply because we love someone. Yet, we are adults and we know that death is just as much a part of life as birth.  We prepare ourselves for that day the best we can. We try to take care of them when they are sick, help them when they feel lost and soon the roles are reversed between parent and child. This, we can try to prepare for. This, we can plan.

The thing you really can’t prepare yourself for is the moment you realize you are grieving someone who is still very much alive, just no longer there. I could never have prepared for the person who taught me about life to forget how to live so completely. What’s worse, they forgot how to love anyone or anything. They become a shell and insist that you hate them, you must. But, you don’t. Not even close. You want to hate them. Hating them might make it easier. Loving someone who suffers from memory loss due to dementia or any mental illness is like watching them drown slowly in a room to which you do not have a key. You can’t pull them out. It’s not a lifetime movie. It’s not The Notebook. It’s a fucking nightmare.

This is not something I usually talk about. It has affected my life immensely. It matters because people matter to us. If your parents are still around to annoy you. If they tell you that they love you and that they wish you’d call them more. Believe them. The day you think you are preparing yourself for might be so much closer than you think.

“The trouble is you think you have time” – Buddha

xoxo

Kat

 

 

 

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